The Paradox of Abundance: More Choices, More Rejection
In the grand bazaar of love, dating apps offer a smorgasbord of potential partners with just a simple swipe. But here’s the kicker: while they expand our romantic horizons, they also amplify the likelihood of rejection. Imagine being at an all-you-can-eat buffet, except you’re not the one choosing the food; the food is choosing you. Research shows that nearly half of all matches never progress to a conversation. Ouch! That’s like finding out the cute person at the bar gave you a fake number. This endless parade of choices can also lead to decision paralysis. You know, that moment when you’re 20 minutes into Netflix scrolling and still don’t know what to watch. Except here, you’re scrolling through potential soulmates. No pressure.
Psychological Fallout: The Toll on Mental Health
Swipe left. Swipe right. Repeat. While it sounds simple, the emotional toll can be anything but. The sting of repeated rejection can lead to anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. Imagine your self-worth being chipped away one swipe at a time. Heavy usage of these apps has been linked to increased psychological distress. It’s like signing up for the emotional equivalent of a rollercoaster where you can’t get off.
The superficial nature of many interactions—where you’re judged solely on a photo and a pithy bio—can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy. For those already sensitive to social rejection, this can feel like pouring salt on an open wound.
Coping Mechanisms: Healthy Habits vs. Problematic Patterns
Some individuals develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the emotional rollercoaster of dating apps. Compulsive swiping becomes a way to fend off loneliness, but it often leads to feelings of emptiness. It’s like eating junk food when you’re sad—momentary relief followed by a stomach ache and regret.
For many, dating apps turn into a crutch—a way to seek validation or avoid dealing with deeper emotional issues. Essentially, it’s like putting a plaster on a bullet wound.
The Healing Process: Therapy and Self-Discovery
For those weary from the emotional toll, therapy can be a lifesaver. Mental health professionals can help users explore their motivations, set healthy boundaries, and approach online dating with greater mindfulness. Think of it as having a seasoned tour guide in the chaotic theme park of digital dating.
By understanding emotional triggers and needs, individuals can develop healthier coping mechanisms and reduce their reliance on external validation. After all, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem and Emotional Resilience
Recovering from the negative effects of dating apps involves fostering a stronger relationship with oneself. This means acknowledging and processing emotions rather than masking them with compulsive behaviours. Therapy can help identify harmful patterns, like unrealistic expectations or emotional projection, which often stem from unresolved personal issues.
As Mental health professionals, we face unique ethical dilemmas on dating apps. Imagine swiping and stumbling upon a client’s profile—awkward! To navigate these tricky waters, therapists should establish clear social media policies and discuss any potential overlaps with clients. It’s all about maintaining that delicate balance between professional boundaries and personal lives.
Different groups face unique challenges in the online dating world, some include the following:
Women often face the dual challenge of harassment and overwhelming attention on dating apps, which can contribute to heightened anxiety.
Men, on the other hand, navigate a highly competitive environment where frequent rejection can take a toll on their self-esteem.
LGBTQIA+ individuals may encounter superficial standards and a focus on casual encounters, which can exacerbate feelings of isolation.
The superficial nature of many online interactions, driven by quick judgments based on appearance, can lead to shallow engagements that harm self-esteem. The sheer volume of choices available can also lead to decision fatigue, resulting in emotional exhaustion and burnout. Additionally, the high rates of rejection on these platforms can intensify feelings of insecurity and anxiety.
To mitigate these challenges, it’s important for users to:
Clarify their intentions, setting realistic expectations for their online dating experience.
Build self-esteem, as a strong sense of self-worth can help protect against the emotional sting of rejection.
Set boundaries around app usage to prevent burnout and emotional fatigue.
Step away from apps periodically to provide time for reflection and emotional recharging.
While dating apps offer a convenient gateway to new connections, they also present challenges that can significantly impact mental health. By staying aware of these challenges and implementing proactive strategies, individuals can navigate the digital dating world more effectively. For those experiencing emotional distress, professional support can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. Ultimately, while dating apps can facilitate connections, they cannot replace the depth and complexity of real-world relationships.
Taylor Swift can have eras, then so can the rest of us, and I think we should call this one the Era of the Sober-Curious.
You see, to be ‘curious’ is a fundamental intention for anyone engaging in a process of psychotherapy. What will underpin the value of an individual’s therapeutic experience is their capacity for curiosity about themselves, their past, their way of being in the World, and their relationships. What’s that got to do with sobriety you might ask? Well for some people, everything!
Strange as it may sound, the relationship between an individual and alcohol is often one of the most significant of their lifetime. That’s not only strange but sad too, I guess. Nevertheless, it is the case, particularly for many Irish people whose relationship with alcohol is deeply embedded on a systemic, familial, societal and cultural level, and the trauma associated is generational and far-reaching. Yet we drink as if it’s no big deal and not to be considered too carefully. But I say, let’s get curious!
Let me preface this next part by noting that throughout this article I am referring to the drinking population more broadly or perhaps those who identify as having a challenging relationship with alcohol, but by all accounts are functioning, and while they may be observing some destructive patterns within their life pertaining to their drinking habits, they are still within the capacity for general therapeutic exploration of the issue. Not to be confused with a person who is in the throes of a severe addiction and would need more intensive wraparound support such as rehabilitation, a recovery program or a specialist in addiction therapy. I am also by no means attempting to impose sobriety on the reader or cast a negative shadow on those who choose to drink alcohol for social pleasure. Alcohol is often enjoyed in balance and treated with the respect and restraint that its consumer deserves.
But for many, this is not the case, and so there is much to be explored.
Firstly, alcohol is the only drug for which it is often frowned upon to not take, and this in itself is part of the reason for the long and painful history of addiction that has infiltrated this country for decades. From the youth to the elderly, the urban to the rural, there is not a cohort of individuals on this tiny island that will not experience some pressure to drink alcohol within their lifetime, and furthermore who will not feel stigmatized, left out, or in the minority for deciding not to drink. The very fabric of our communities and the social terrain of Ireland has traditionally been centred around alcohol, and that in itself makes it an extremely challenging habit to kick.
Secondly, it is important to note the unusual contradiction between alcohol and pain. It is fair to say that for most of us when we identify the source of our pain, we aim (where possible) to remove it from our pathway. This principle does not always apply to alcohol, however. In fact, it is striking that no matter how much pain alcohol causes us, nor the threat that it poses to our own lives and that of our loved ones, it is not avoided, but embraced, and its relevance in our lives is insisted upon. I often sit across from clients who list in no uncertain terms the unimaginable pain that alcohol has brought to them, yet seem determined for its presence in their lives to continue.
Why? I often ask them!
Why is alcohol so important to you that you are willing to endure all of this pain? Why are you choosing this one thing over everything else?
And this is where the work begins.
I tell my clients from the beginning that therapy will not become a space of rules imposed by me. If they wish to drink alcohol that is their choice, so long as they are sober when they attend their sessions. I assure them that we will not be creating a dynamic where they report back to me each week on how much or little alcohol they have consumed. In therapy we are not creating a linear process of success or failure, we are engaging with the reality of a person’s life. I do not label a person an alcoholic, as I believe certain language can create shame for those at the beginning stages of exploring the role of alcohol in their life. That is not to say I enable clients or collude with them. I challenge them in as honest a way as I know how. If I believe a person should stop drinking based on what they have told me, I will tell them that, but it does not become a condition of therapy. I will also advise people that the clarity they need in order for therapy to be effective will usually not be possible if they are frequently under the fog of alcohol. The process then involves me asking the client to tell me about their relationship with alcohol in all its nuance and complexity. By bringing the details of the relationship into language in the therapeutic space and then processing the impact of that on an emotional level, a person has a much greater opportunity to decide if they wish for that relationship to stay the same, or if they would like to make some alterations and create a healthier and more balanced approach to drinking.
In which case I will ask ‘What could that look like?’ But more importantly, ‘Are you capable of creating this change?’
Sometimes people are, and sometimes they are not.
Some will create healthier drinking habits, and many will willingly embark on a journey of becoming sober-curious, a new era for them! Conflictingly others will send out the battalions of full resistance and avoidance, attempting to engage in a manipulation of themselves and the therapy in order to justify their continued quest for destructive drinking, or may even disengage with therapy altogether. A behaviour that is unfortunate, but most understandable when we remember our earlier mention of how deeply entrenched alcohol has become in our society. Not to mention its most powerful and alluring quality that I have not given adequate attention to thus far, and that is its capability to remove us from ourselves, from our trauma, from the discomfort living within us. The pain associated with alcohol was alluded to earlier, and here we see the glaringly frustrating paradox of how alcohol not only causes pain but can also take pain away. The reprieve may be temporary, but boy does it feel good and it is for sure addictive. Racing thoughts become quieter, insecurities become less, confidence grows, physical pain is diminished, sleep becomes more accessible, fun becomes elevated, and the list goes on. Suddenly the resistance to quit makes sense. The dual addiction of the substance itself and the feeling it gives is no easy feat to contend with.
But it’s not all bad news. After all, I title this article ‘Era of the Sober-Curious’ for a reason! As much as we still have a way to go, we have made considerable progress as a society. It is slowly becoming more acceptable to be the designated driver for the night out or order the Guinness Zero instead of the real thing, and bars are stocked with alcohol-free gins, beers, and ciders to boot. Podcasters are discussing the topic with ease, and influencers and celebrities are revelling in their newfound sobriety. I remember the days when our social media feeds were flooded with a hundred drunken pictures from a night out, while now we tend to opt for more flattering imagery such as hiking on a Sunday morning! The human race has always been one of extremes I guess. One day we might find balance! So, take this opportunity to consider your own relationship with alcohol, and even if it is just for a moment, become curious about the experience of sobriety and what that might feel like for you. Perhaps this will be a new era for you.
Written by Craig Barry