Listening is something that most of us participate in daily. Whether in the office with colleagues, at the shops, chatting with friends or listening to the radio, it’s an ongoing effort. However, many people feel that they are not heard. The person listening may have the ability to recite something back to you about the conversation, but it sometimes feels that the message only penetrates the recipient slightly. In effect there may be no depth of listening. This results in a partial loss of the message. You in effect don’t feel heard, and at times when the subject or person is important to you, this brings a sense of hurt and sometimes anger. This fundamental need of being human is missing. So, what is happening here and why is the communication and message being lost?
Our attention is at a premium these days. Between social media, keeping up with the Jones’s and our busy lives, there is always things vying for our attention. The ability to focus is always pulled away by the next thing. Communication and a resulting connection with the other can be difficult. The ability to stop and just listen needs your attention. The attention battery may be drained, and we discover this is a finite resource. We need time to replenish, perhaps by spending time alone or doing something that doesn’t require a constant alertness to our environment. A time where we can perhaps go inward, perhaps unbundling the ball of tension within. But what happens when we can’t switch off?
As discussed above, attention is a finite resource and sometimes the choices in life can become overwhelming. The worries build up and the internal pressure rises to boiling point. The fizzy drink has been shaken enough and the cap won’t hold. We are at times not aware of what is happening. We become agitated and push the blame outward. Life may step in and stop us in our tracks through physical illness, burnout or exhaustion. These events slow us down and sometimes make us reflect on what is happening. Many people at this stage seek help to try and figure out what is happening.
Counselling is at times the next step in the persons journey in understanding themselves. Some may know the benefits of this step, and some are new. The newness brings a certain trepidation if they haven’t yet set foot on this path. The counsellor must put them at ease by really listening to their individual and unique story. This involves reflection of the client’s story and words and paraphrasing, showing that you are in listening. Clarifying items that may be uncertain and being curious about what is happening in the room. This involves being open and relaxed and allowing space. This allowing is at times lost in our everyday conversations. The friend listening may at times be constructing their reply, which causes them to miss parts of the conversations and subtleties that lie within. A need to fix the situation and move away from the others’ uncomfortable pain may be paramount to the friend. Rather than holding and gently cupping the pain, and examining its contents, the friend quickly moves on, and the moment is lost. A chance at understanding deeply is missed and the person may feel vulnerable and abandoned. They again move inward, even physically, without risking.
Body language and facial expressions can be telling, and the counsellor’s attention may be drawn in the moment to investigate what’s happening physically for the client. Information such as tears gathering may not be in the client’s awareness. A resistance to the feeling may enter. Pausing and seeking whether the client is aware of the feeling helps them drop into the moment, when they feel safe. Being curious about what the body is trying to say via a feeling sometimes helps us partially release the tension. Thoughts or single words can sometimes help with meaning and what the body is trying to say in the present. This may lead to a partial interpretation.
An interpretation in this sense is an understanding, akin to a particular painting of a scene following a period of listening. Some may describe this as an art. Like any art certain counsellors are more skilled than others. It involves the counsellor shuttling their awareness and attention between the client and their own. The awareness of thoughts and feelings all add to the entire scene. Pictures or thoughts may be on the edge of the counsellor’s awareness, in the daydreams of the counsellor’s mind. The jigsaw pieces once scattered inside now begin to shape and form a clearer picture. When describing the client’s story, the therapist may give it a metaphorical or poetic framework, where the words perhaps have a greater descriptive depth than the mere abruptness of a factual description. The words may sink in and expand the perspective of the client and therapist, or only partially penetrate, creating a piece of the puzzle.
At times when this understanding is received by the client, there is a release, of tension and perhaps an audible sigh, as if to say, ‘now you understand me, and I know that you have been listening and I have been heard’. The balm has been applied to the wound of not being seen or heard in the world. The counsellor earns a level of trust, and the client knows that they can progress safely with this person. The mask that society sometimes forces us to wear can be removed by the client during their session. Unexplored paths of the client’s life can now be trodden safely with a companion that is the counsellor.
Listening and interpretation make up pieces of step-by-step progression and the work in the counselling room. The skill of listening and art of interpretation are honed over time by the therapist. The more people can take the time to listen deeply, without judgement, perhaps the balm described above might contribute to our collective healing, which is starkly needed in our busy world today.